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Why Do Partners Fight After 30 Years of Successful Partnership?
Dr. Orenya Yanai
Two partners – whether they are siblings or friends that decided to start a business together at a young age have built special and intimate relationship: "We share secrets that we wouldn't even tell our spouses". They know each other's abilities very well, and their weaknesses, too. They complement each other, share challenges and achievements, accompany each other in choosing spouses and having children, rejoice in moving to a new house, support in the illness and death of parents and suffer the children's "growing pains" together.
They are absorbed in the momentum of activity. The future, which is vaguely considered, seems as the continuation of the present, as if " they may livehappily ever after". And then, naturally and without discussing it, the oldest son comes to work in the business, right after military service. After him comes the partner's daughter…perhaps the son in law. Now, even partners who are not related, become a "family business". And furthermore, as the saying goes : "Two is a company, three is a crowd", and the domestic peace of this company is shaken.
But what is really happening? Is the friendship over? Is the partnership no longer working? Not necessarily! But a new and powerful factor enters into the scene, changing the balance and loyalties and demanding a reorganization of the partnership. Let's look more closely at some of the issues at hand.
1. A competition over love and loyalty starts. The son repeatedly checks "who does my father choose: his brother/partner or his son"? Who is closer to dad? Who is the most loved? Who does father prefer? The question endlessly gnaws, and every expression turns into a convicting evidence. The father finds himself in the same trap: "Who should I be loyal to – my long-time partner or my son"? "Can I listen to my partner criticizing my son"? Meanwhile, every criticism regarding the partner's son hits a soft spot, chewing up the old familiar intimacy.
2. A new dimension of complexity is added to the relations within each household. The son becomes an employee and the father becomes "the boss", while still being the loving and beloved father. When should one arrive at work? How does one speak to the boss-father? Who will the son be subordinate to – the father or his partner? Who determines the son's salary, and how? What happens when the father's partner gives an order that the son doesn't like? These questions and many others need to be discussed and negotiated, and finally – clear rules have to be set. Otherwise, the frustration and criticism will increase, and taint the relationship between the partners.
3. Wishes and fantasies meet reality. When the son starts to work in the business, the wishes and fantasies regarding his talents meet reality: he is young and inexperienced where his father is a wiz! He makes mistakes, like any young new employee. But in front of the partner, every error "thunders", and cannot be ignored or denied. Father is now flooded with anxiety over his son, coupled by a sense of disappointment in him, and guilt-shame towards the partner. Patience and tolerance to the beginner's mistakes fade away somewhere along the line, as fantasies get shattered.
4. An un-chosen partnership. "Your son and my son" become co-workers and partners to be, without choosing it. How can a partnership form between them, and is that at all possible? The answer to this question depends in part on the history of the relations between the two families. The fathers for their part, find it hard to walk in the sons' shoes and identify with the feeling of a forced partnership.
What can be done, then? First of all, understand, foresee the future and plan ahead.
Before the first son enters the business, the partners should clarify the options they have and discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each option. Some partners decide not to let the second generation enter the business, and sell it at a certain point. Some agree on a BMBY (Buy Me Buy You) mechanism, to be operated in due time. Others choose to protect their partnership from the "invasion" of the second generation, but start a "fund" to assist them in starting their own businesses, with the help and advice of the parents (in the same area or in different ones). Lastly, some choose to let the second generation join the business, and work on the necessary cooperation and relationships. This work includes:
Formulating a "contract" between every father and his son/daughter, that derives from the clarification of loyalties. It consists of a set of rules and is based on an understanding of the complexity of having a close (yet different) relationship with the son and the partner at the same time. Our work with partners taught us that the reorganization of the systems starts with the parent-child dialogue.
Renewing the contract between the old brothers/partners is also required, since the entrance of the second generation has changed their original contract. The new contract should refer to the preparation of the second generation in the business, decisions regarding their success, compensations and promotion.
Promoting communication, ,dialogue and negotiation among the second generation members, so as to that will enable them to make the shift from "forced partners" to partners who chose each other. This is a process, and as such it takes more than a day. It demands investment and patience, and the parents' permission to choose differently.
Creating a way out. A family protocol is needed in order establish the route out, for those who choose not to enter the family business, It should include a fair definition of their rights, so that joining the family business will not become a "life sentence".
Partners who make a commitment to this process, like married couples that commit themselves to the reorganization of their "marriage contract", are enriched by the process. They replace the "either – or" of loyalty to a partner or to a son, with a "this and that" approach. A whole range of emotions and interfaces, with the partner, his children and one's own. The ability to live in peace with complexity enriches not only the relations within the partnership, but those with customers, employees and strategic partners. Finding a productive solution to the problem of continuity enables the partners' families to adjust their relationships according to the appropriate stage in life, It also enriches – in the monetary sense – the business and its owners.
They are absorbed in the momentum of activity. The future, which is vaguely considered, seems as the continuation of the present, as if " they may livehappily ever after". And then, naturally and without discussing it, the oldest son comes to work in the business, right after military service. After him comes the partner's daughter…perhaps the son in law. Now, even partners who are not related, become a "family business". And furthermore, as the saying goes : "Two is a company, three is a crowd", and the domestic peace of this company is shaken.
But what is really happening? Is the friendship over? Is the partnership no longer working? Not necessarily! But a new and powerful factor enters into the scene, changing the balance and loyalties and demanding a reorganization of the partnership. Let's look more closely at some of the issues at hand.
1. A competition over love and loyalty starts. The son repeatedly checks "who does my father choose: his brother/partner or his son"? Who is closer to dad? Who is the most loved? Who does father prefer? The question endlessly gnaws, and every expression turns into a convicting evidence. The father finds himself in the same trap: "Who should I be loyal to – my long-time partner or my son"? "Can I listen to my partner criticizing my son"? Meanwhile, every criticism regarding the partner's son hits a soft spot, chewing up the old familiar intimacy.
2. A new dimension of complexity is added to the relations within each household. The son becomes an employee and the father becomes "the boss", while still being the loving and beloved father. When should one arrive at work? How does one speak to the boss-father? Who will the son be subordinate to – the father or his partner? Who determines the son's salary, and how? What happens when the father's partner gives an order that the son doesn't like? These questions and many others need to be discussed and negotiated, and finally – clear rules have to be set. Otherwise, the frustration and criticism will increase, and taint the relationship between the partners.
3. Wishes and fantasies meet reality. When the son starts to work in the business, the wishes and fantasies regarding his talents meet reality: he is young and inexperienced where his father is a wiz! He makes mistakes, like any young new employee. But in front of the partner, every error "thunders", and cannot be ignored or denied. Father is now flooded with anxiety over his son, coupled by a sense of disappointment in him, and guilt-shame towards the partner. Patience and tolerance to the beginner's mistakes fade away somewhere along the line, as fantasies get shattered.
4. An un-chosen partnership. "Your son and my son" become co-workers and partners to be, without choosing it. How can a partnership form between them, and is that at all possible? The answer to this question depends in part on the history of the relations between the two families. The fathers for their part, find it hard to walk in the sons' shoes and identify with the feeling of a forced partnership.
What can be done, then? First of all, understand, foresee the future and plan ahead.
Before the first son enters the business, the partners should clarify the options they have and discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each option. Some partners decide not to let the second generation enter the business, and sell it at a certain point. Some agree on a BMBY (Buy Me Buy You) mechanism, to be operated in due time. Others choose to protect their partnership from the "invasion" of the second generation, but start a "fund" to assist them in starting their own businesses, with the help and advice of the parents (in the same area or in different ones). Lastly, some choose to let the second generation join the business, and work on the necessary cooperation and relationships. This work includes:
Formulating a "contract" between every father and his son/daughter, that derives from the clarification of loyalties. It consists of a set of rules and is based on an understanding of the complexity of having a close (yet different) relationship with the son and the partner at the same time. Our work with partners taught us that the reorganization of the systems starts with the parent-child dialogue.
Renewing the contract between the old brothers/partners is also required, since the entrance of the second generation has changed their original contract. The new contract should refer to the preparation of the second generation in the business, decisions regarding their success, compensations and promotion.
Promoting communication, ,dialogue and negotiation among the second generation members, so as to that will enable them to make the shift from "forced partners" to partners who chose each other. This is a process, and as such it takes more than a day. It demands investment and patience, and the parents' permission to choose differently.
Creating a way out. A family protocol is needed in order establish the route out, for those who choose not to enter the family business, It should include a fair definition of their rights, so that joining the family business will not become a "life sentence".
Partners who make a commitment to this process, like married couples that commit themselves to the reorganization of their "marriage contract", are enriched by the process. They replace the "either – or" of loyalty to a partner or to a son, with a "this and that" approach. A whole range of emotions and interfaces, with the partner, his children and one's own. The ability to live in peace with complexity enriches not only the relations within the partnership, but those with customers, employees and strategic partners. Finding a productive solution to the problem of continuity enables the partners' families to adjust their relationships according to the appropriate stage in life, It also enriches – in the monetary sense – the business and its owners.
